Dear Me

lightning__dead @ 2005-10-28T10:36:00

2005-10-28T14:43:24Z

So I ran away from home.
It's now day 3.
Things are starting to settle down, I guess.
The first day it was just a huge blob & I freaked my self out the whole day.
But now it's nice.
I don't feel like I'm in anyones way any more.
I don't feel like I'm just a bump on a log.
I wasn't going any where fast at home.
& I'm probably still not going to be going any where fast,
but atleast I'm not in any ones way now.
I'm not there to ruin any ones life, & put it on hold.

lightning__dead @ 2005-09-28T20:30:00

2005-09-29T00:48:18Z

I want to go back home.
I hate it here.
Why does everything always have to be so fucking hard?

I just want to spend one freaking night with the people I care about.
It's pathetic, I can't even spend time with them with my mom knowing.

Fuck moving.
Fuck family.
Fuck everything.

One day I swear I'm going to run away, leave nothing, take only what I can carry & no trace of wear I am
& see how she feels about that.

Do you think the saying "You never know what you have till you lose it" works on my mom?

lightning__dead @ 2005-09-28T20:19:00

2005-09-29T00:20:42Z

love in a symptom of happiness
id burn just to keep u alive
id hold my breath for u to breathe
take my hands and keep me alive
tell me ur secrets and tell me your fears
ill prtect u from the bad
and shelter u with good
the endless happiness is a side effect of this happy lifestyle
id drive to the end of the world for you
just to see ur smile
id help u live if u help me smile
i want the earth moon and stars for u wrapped in a bow
if i could i hold the stars and give them to u one at a time
id hold the moon and pull it closer so u could touch the powdery surface
keep u warm
keep u close
keep me warm
keep me close
id scream at the ttop of my lungs for u to hear
for u to know
that my love for u is relentless and never ending and pure
i love you like i love oxygen
u r my oxygen
let me breathe in the beauty which is your majesty
the beauty which is your smille
the beauty which is you beautiful voice
let me breathe in the majesty which is you

-Grant =]

lightning__dead @ 2005-08-24T18:35:00

2005-08-24T22:36:56Z

my everything.
with out u i am nothing
"in my eyes u are the same
the beautiful girl that i stutteredd to
the gil that i was to afraid to talk to
the same girl that i gave my purple necklace out of elemantry crush
i loved from the first second
u were different
ur eyes were sincere
and i loved u
i held back
i hid
u were my first
and ill always love for that
ill always love u
the tides will never turn
and the skies will never change
smooth sailing and blue skies
i love ur eyes there calm and caring
like u
none of this defines u
if i could find the words i woulds
but i cant
al i can say is im lucky

lucky u love me
lucky u came in tinme
lucky that ur in my life

before all the love songs meant nothing to me
they were just words and music
just a rhym scheme and rythm
but now i feel them and i know exactly what they mean
and im forever urs for making me feel this way
u have no idea how happy it makes me to hear ur voice
to know how u fell
to know u love me as much as iu love u
im forever yours "

-Another lovely one from Mr. Grant Wells.

Every so often

2005-08-17T19:51:03Z

Miles of distance in between us.
Continouse hang up phone calls.
Pointless arguement.
Greatings and endless minutes of awkward silence.
Somtimes I wonder if either of us is deaf.
Other's I think that I want nothing to do with you.
& then, every so often, I could never care about you more.
It's sad that the "every so oftens" is what hold's us together.
We used to be nothing but the "every so oftens"
I wonder constantly, "What if I stopped it all?"
Can I make it with out the "every so oftens"
Can I go on living with out me giving & you taking?
I wake up every day hopping to get how it used to be, back.
Before the distance, before the hang ups, the pointless arguments, everything.
I wish it would go back to before none of that mattered.
Not even words used to matter. We used to be able to read eachother by just looking
into one anothers eyes.
But you've changed.
I don't know what you are thiking anymore.
You're not my hero.
My best friend.
My everything.
But every so often, you are.
Every so often you're my hero.
Because "You can't kill hero's"
Every so often you're my best friend.
Because "Best friends means friends forever."
I'll be the giver and you be the taker, because that's what makes you my everything.
The fact that you are/have everything that means everything to me.
It's just every so often, I wish it wasn't like this.
& every so often, I think this isn't how our happy ending is supposed to end.
Every so often... I wish I had more to show for us, other then miles of distance.

A sink hole swallowed me.

2005-08-15T23:03:55Z

What has love become?
Miles apart and nothing to show for it?
Other then the distance in our eyes?!
There's no sparkle,
There's no promise of saftey.
I don't see what you are thinking any more through your eyes.
For I haven't seen your eyes in what seems like ages.
I just rememeber seeing distance, the last time we made eye contact.
I just rememeber seeing miles of road's, street lights & stop signs.
It's like I don't even know you any more.
Just the roads that lead me to you.
I know those roads by heart.
I used to know you as well.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder?
But what happens when, what we thought were just cracks in the oh so familar roads
turn to be sink holes, opening up?!
That's all we seem to have to show for our love.
Sink holes.
& over time the empty rodes that no one dares to travel anymore
will just grow cob webs.
Cob webs & sink holes.
..Sounds like pure love to me.

It's better when I bleed for you.

2005-07-16T16:00:02Z

It's all my fault.
I let these little things trigger my gun.
& all it did, was get me stuck 6 feet under.
I want to get out of here.
It's dark.
& I'm scared.
I can't breath,
I'm gasping for air as tears fall down my face.
I tryed so hard to be strong, I did.
But the trigger tempted me & I couldn't hold out any longer.
I need help, some one, anyone, get me out of here.
I'm so scared.
I'm alone, & it hurts.
I read the carvings on the inside of this cascet over & over again.
It hurts to read them.
Just knowing that I caused this agany & confusin.
What have I done?!
I hurt the one I love more then anything,
& now all I can do, is lay here scared & alone,
reading the words you wrote on the inside of my cascet,
Beating myself up over what I do.
How could I be so self centered?!
WHAT DID I DO?!
I have to get out of here.
I need to breath again.
You are the oxygen I need.
But I don't even know how I would fix what I've done to you.
I let the pressure build up, & I let myself give up.
I gave up, it got to hard & the trigger tempted me.
How do I fix that?!
I can't stand to read these carvings anymore.
I have to breath again.
..But it's so dark & I'm scared to move.

What have I done? Look what I caused.

2005-07-16T15:56:16Z

errrrg
i dont know whats going on you wont talk to me so i vent to a computer screen i say everything and anything i want this seems to be the only way to talk to you this is the only way i can communicate with you and its sad i would tell you anything and i just want to know whats wrong thats all i want and u cant spare 10 minutes to talk to me it really pisses me off im so lost right now it seems like forever since ive heard your voice

this seems too familiar
face down in a pillow
this seems too scary
eyes shut wishing i wasent alone
this seems too dark
my blankets over my head
this seems so ridiculous
crying myself to sleep 2 nights in a row
why cant it be like it use to be?
im affraid it never will be
you seem so quick to give up
and it scares me
ive been confused for so long now
i need a manual on what to do how to handle you
how to handle your family
how to handle life
LIFE
thats probably one of the biggest words i can say next to love
and i have alot of words goin through my head
to make the first
i need you in my life
but you right now i cant handle
but is it you or everyone around you?
is it you or me?
maybe its me
maybe im just the pathetic overecsantic pussy that evryone thinksi am
im just over anylizing everything
i just think aND think diging deeper i into my caverous chest
scalping and tosseing out ribs and organs searching for something
digging pass tubing of veins
and cartilage that cushions my bones
hunched over seeking for what it is i truly want/need
i dont know what i want
i dont know what i need
i dont know what im thinking
i WANT you
i NEED you
but what do you WANT?
what do you NEED?
TELL ME CAUSE I DONT KNOW

-Another one from Grant.

I fucked up this time.

Ring around the rosie, then you're gone.

2005-07-15T13:46:04Z

mirror reflection of broken butterflies

i went where i wasent suppose to
and i stayed till i was told to leave
i went for a reason and stayed for the same thing
i left for the love
and drove forever
i feel empty
im a shallow reflection
of everything i cant be
jump for joy
but not for me
ecstatic praises
for another
it should have been different
shouldnt it have?
then again what do i know?
NOTHING
twist ties hold my hands firmly behind my back and im forced to stay
soap is placed in my mouth and cant say a word
i am a face no more
just a voice
as are you
a voice and an emotion
is all we have
its all ive ever had
i write my feelings in this god damn journal
because u dont want to listen
want/cant
i dont you choose
i never wanted you to find out through this again but yougave me NO CHOICE
ive never been too "tired" to not care how you feel
fuck i dont know anymore

SWEET!
I FUCKING SUCK AT LIFE!
=D

Can I die now?

& thats show biz, kid.

2005-07-11T04:38:05Z

My word is shot to hell with my Mother.
6 days before my birthday, grounded & banned
from the one I love more then any thing.
Perfect, eh?!

I've just been so frustrated lately.
Every two seconds, it's have you talked to your Mother?!
Are you going to?!
NAG NAG NAG!!
I swear I want to shoot my self.
I have soooo much on my mind.
& it's nothing that I imagined.

The week of my birthday, I wanted nothing more
then to just relaxe & enjoy life.
But NOOOOO. I get, " are we allowed to be toegether?"
"have you talked to her yet?"
& then in my own head it's a war in it self.
Part of me just want's to talk to her & get it over with.
But then the other part is so scared of the answer & just want's
to put it off.
What if she says I'm banned from him completely.
I'll kill my self.
I can't handle that.
It would be completely impossible to stay together.
I would try everything there is to stay together,
but I know he would realize I'm not worth it & move on.

I'm so scared for that day.
I know one day I'm ganna get a call or a surprise stop by
that isn't ganna be to pleasant.
It's just ganna be " We need a break, till things settle down. "
Or some thing along those lines.

I'M SCARED
I'M SCARED
I'M SCARED!
That's all I seem to be lately.
Of everything.

I'm scared of words.
I'm scared of reactions.
I'm scared of out comes.
I'm scared of losing him.
I'm scared of losing him over my family.
I'm scared of being lonely.
I'm scared of what I've become.
I'm scared of what I will become.
FUCK!! I'm even scared of my own freaking shadow.

I just want to concure all my fears.
But yet again, I'm scared to do them with out him.
I can't do anything with out him.
I NEED HIM!
& I hate that.

I hate that, I sit at home,
While he goes out.
I hate that he see's all my, what used to be best friends,
more then I do.
I'm completely jealous over that.

I really hate what I've become.
I'm a sit at home, over the phone, wait around, jealousy built up, girlfriend.

This goes against every thing I have ever believe in with guys.
I'm the one supposed to be calling the shots, not letting some guy walk all over me..
But then.. I guess we do crazy things for love..

That's the only explanation I've come up with.
Love.
The most powerful 4 lettered word.
It's just a word.
.. but yet so powerful.
But worthless, when your word is shot to hell.
So same ol' same ol'.
I sit at home, scared of my own shadow, & hearing about everything over the phone, & building up my endless feeling of jealousy.

Love = Jealousy.
& Jealousy, I am.

Did it help? Or make it worse?!

2005-06-30T00:05:56Z

UrBest Mistake x: why are you jealous?

bite my stars: Cause I am. I'm dumb. >.<

UrBest Mistake x: what happened?
UrBest Mistake x: oh please it CANT be worse than me.

bite my stars: I'm jealous at the fact that everyone gets to see Grant & I don't, I'm jealous at the fact that I get to hear about everyones awesome weekends & hangs out, & I don't get to go, I'm jealous at the people that have best friends.. which is everyone, because I don't have one, & I fear I never will. & I'm jealous that Grant goes out EVERYDAY & hangs out with girls, & I get to sit here & hear about it, & there is nothing I can do other then pitch a fit & make my self sound dumb & selfish. I'm jealous at every other girl that is skinner & prettier lately, I've just felt insicure, & unwanted... & so on & so forth. >.<

UrBest Mistake x: well I understand about the hanging out with Girls part.. but im SURE that he wont do anything, he hasnt yet has he? AND he goes to a different school.. and odn't be insecure about yourself, love you for who you are and dont worry about what others look like, beacsue everone likes you for YOU not becasue you try and look like someone or something. And you dont have a best friend? what happened to the ppl that you called your best friend? and I am here for you, we're best friends, i havent turned my back on you for anything, an di never will, and you will have one, if not now. you might not call them best friends but everyone who has been there fo ryou for ever, are your best friends
UrBest Mistake x: 'and who hasnt turn3ed thier back on you..

bite my stars: Well he did do something, but he was piss drunk & on a pill. So he wasn't him self. & he stopped drinking after that. & BE RIGHT BACK ALL OF A SUDDEN IT'S LIKE ATTACK OF THE POOP! >.<
UrBest Mistake x: well he stopped for that nw didnt he? so im sure nothing else will happen

Auto response from bite my stars: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!>.<

bite my stars: I know nothing else will happen, but it's still the thought, that like eats away at me, esspecialy since I have felt really insicure about myself lately, so I think he's ganna do something with a girl that is prettier then me. & I don't plan on changing myself for anyone, cause I don't do that, I just don't feel like the prettiest thing in the world. & I've never had anything other then a temporary best friend. & everyone that I have ever called a best friend, either did something to lose my trust, & then I driffted away, or had another best friend before me, & jsut driffted from me. Yes I have alot of friends that I am close to, & I trust each one in a diffrent way, but they all have there own best friends. I want someone that I can trust with everything, & talk to about everything. I have always had you, & yes you are one of the closest people I will ever have to a best friend, but you're more then my best friend, you're my boobee, my little sister, & you are the only one that hasn't left me, or diffted from me. I just have seriouse trust issues, & jealousy problems. >.<

UrBest Mistake x: then talk to him about you being jealous
UrBest Mistake x: but don tsay that you're jealous ALL the time

bite my stars: I want to sooo bad. But I don't even know where to begin on how I feel, & I fear that if I do, I'm just ganna go & not stop & it will all come out wrong & he will think I don't trust him. Cause I want to talk to him about it sooo much, but really half of it, I don't even know how I feel, like there is more then just jealousy, just something that gives me an akward feeling, & I don't know why, or what it is, but I get it alot. There is just so much built up along those lines of talking to him about my jealousy problem, & what ever feeling problem, that I fear if I talk to him, it will all just come out in one huge breath, & anger, & tears, that will just lead to worse things.

UrBest Mistake x: :-\

bite my stars: So Idk, I just keep bitting my tounge.
bite my stars: But my tounge can only take so many bites, & bleed so much. So Idk.
bite my stars: I have my own little LJ that I wright in just for me, & that helps ALOT, but it's still all there.
bite my stars: I really want to talk to him about how I feel, cause I tell him EVERYTHING, & he tells me everything, & I feel horrible that I'm not telling him how I feel. Cause he is everything to me, I know that he can help me figure out everything, & make me stop feeling like this, but the thing is I don't even know where to begin, or what to say.

UrBest Mistake x: just like, act weird one day and then just be lke.. "i dont wanna say.." and then hell ask and just say "im jealous"
UrBest Mistake x: and start off there
UrBest Mistake x: and i KNOW that you trust him, its the same with Chris.. butttttttt its just that EVERYONE gets to see him, including girls.

bite my stars: If I do that, he will be like "you're jealous? Of what? You don't have anything to be jealous about, your perfect to me, & the only one, you have nothing to worry about" .. & then I feel dumb for being jealous & feeling the way I do, because I know I am everything to him & I shouldn't feel how I am, cause he would never do anything of any sort to intentinaly hurt me.

UrBest Mistake x: i know and me and chris always talk about it
UrBest Mistake x: and i know that im everything to him too, i just talk about my feelings and i feel SO much better afterward

bite my stars: But the thing is, you talk to him right away when you feel like this.
bite my stars: For some reason I have kept it in, cause I never knew how to describe or explain how I felt.
bite my stars: & now I don't know how to talk to him with out hurting him
bite my stars: Cause if I talk to him & it all comes out, then he's ganan get hurt that I didn't talk to him sooner.

UrBest Mistake x: then justtell him that you didnt know how to say it... how he would feel

bite my stars: ..I dunno. I hate this. >.<
bite my stars: I just can't wait for tomorrow/this weekend.

UrBest Mistake x: why whats happening then?

bite my stars: He is comming to spend from tomorrow till sunday with me in Winterhaven, no rents or anything, & then I get to spend 4th of july with him too!

UrBest Mistake x: awe
UrBest Mistake x: i wish that could happend with chris :-\

bite my stars: Hopefully it will fix alot of things, & how I feel, atleast for a little while. ^.^

So it's a start on getting my feelings out, other then in here.
But that was so hard, cause I kept having to earse what I wrote, because I
blurted every thing out, all in one huge paragraph.
& then I started crying, & didn't know why, & I couldn't stop.
That would explain the pooping. ^.<
So Idk wtf shit is wrong with me.
Maybe just so much has happened in my life, & it has all piled up
& I'm finaly starting to crack?!
Idk, I'm weird.
I need to get out of the house, & walk around.
Cause it's when I'm in the house all day, when I start to think like this.
A walk is needed.
♥

Heart VS. Mind

2005-06-29T04:39:09Z

I don't know why I think like this some times.
He gives me every reason TO trust him
but I swear once the bewitching hours comes around
all of that changes.
I get worried, I get ansie, & every horrible thought
goes through my head, & I can't sit still.
Some times when stuff like this happens, I
just get so cought up in my thoughts
That I just want to rip all my hair out
& scream at the top of my lungs, so they stop.
I trust him, I do, I really do.
THEN WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!
Why does this little voice in the back of my head haunt me?!
Why does it know when to pick the right moments to get louder & louder?!
It's like a paranoya, that eats away at me.
How can a little voice cause so much contraversy in my own head?!

I ALWAYS listen to my heart over my mind, but Idk why at moments like these
my mind takes over me.
It's so weird, & an indiscibable pain.
Why does this happen?
I love him, I really do.
He's my best friend, my love, my world, everything.
I trust him with my life.
..but then why do I question it?
Why do I feel the need to test it?!
I shouldn't have to test it, I love him, right?!
I want to talk to him, & tell him how I feel, & jsut get everything out
So he can help me, & give me advice. Cause he is my everything.
But I can't even put into words how I feel, I don't even know where do begin describing
how I feel, with out my words getting mixed up, or comming out wrong.
Cause the last thing I want is,him to think I don't trust him.
IT'S THIS STUPID LITTLE VOICE!!!
He completely owns my heart, but my mind is the one that thinks about things.

Idk wtf is wrong with me, I just want to find me a corner, & a clear bottle of intoxication, to put a smile on my face.
Or even better, the one I love to be holding me all night.
But I can't ask for the world all in one night, now can I?!
>.

I left my heart at the play ground...

2005-06-07T08:18:14Z

I haven't seen him since last tuesday
And I finally got a chance to see him sunday by accident.
I was the happiest girl in the world,
I ran up to him had the biggest smile on my face..
I got to him and just held him for what seemed like 4 years.
Then I look up to give him a kiss, and I get "I need to talk to you"
And my heart literally dropped to the floor, and my mind went racing a gazillion thoughts at once, I couldn't even breath.
Those 6 words felt like the end of my life, when actually
it was only the beginning of what was to come after them.
"... Last night I accidently kissed her"
My world stopped around me, it was as if he was talking in slow motion
I could do nothing but look away, I couldn't even look at him straight.
He wasn't the person that I loved anymore.
The person that I loved would have never done anything like that.
He would have rathered died then do that to me.
He wasn't like every other guy, and he knew that
He always promised him self that he wouldn't be like every other guy
And he lived up to that promise.
And then.. I dunno what happend..
Nothing is forever I guess.
Including self control.
So after listening to a few short sentences that seemed to take 3 years to get through, I could think of nothing other then to walk away.
I just needed to walk
I needed to breath
I needed to walk and pray that my heart fallows me, rather then staying in peices on the floor.
.. but it still stayed right where it was.
And instead the one that had my heart and broken it, fallowed me
and on his way chasing me, stepped on the peices that were left on the floor.
He cought up with me, and held on to me, and just so many thoughts were going through my head, I didn't know what to do.
But all the thoughts had one topic,
The other girl
What used to be my "friend"
And how he was holding on to me
I was wondering
"Did he hold her the same way he does to me when he kissed her?"
"Did he hold her cheecks and look in her eyes the same as he did with me?"
My mind just kept racing with thoughts like these
It litterally drove me insane for those short moments that he held on to me.
And when he held on to me, I could do nothing other then stand there.
I felt so weak.
I could barelly lift my arms to get him off of me,
So I could walk away and attempt to breath again.
When I walked away, I couldn't even cry
I could barelly breath, I was just gasping for air.
Out of everything he confessed, it all just echoed in my head.
I wanted nothing more then to scream.
Just scream as loud as I could
For every one to hear
A shreaking scream, that was so powerful it brings you to your knee's, and made you cover your ears.
I wanted all this, so that everyone else for a split second could feel the pain that I was feeling. For a split second feel what its like to be hurt so bad that it makes you want to curl in a ball, cover your ears to block everything from the outside world, and just die, because it would stop the hurt and make it stop for forever.
As much as I wanted to do this, I couldn't find the air or the soul too.
For one, I could never intentinally hurt someone as bad as I hurt, cause its down right cruel, and no one, no matter who you are, should ever have to feel the pain that I feel.
"Life's not fair" they say, but the pain that I felt, is beyond not being fair, the pain that I feel can't even be described.
So I gathered the strenght I had left and made it to the hell hole of a part time home, and put on my fake smile to impress the family, while inside I felt like every bone in my body had broken, and I was just tumbling every where.
I barelly made it through a few phone calls from him, and the awkward silence, so I finaly got to my perminant hell hole called "home" and planned on sleeping my life away, but of course plans never work out how they should.
I was then informed that it wasn't just a kiss at the car after both of them agreed that they were lonely and realized what they had done and backed away, no it was a kiss on the table, a kiss in the chair, a kiss on a walk, a kiss in the rain, a kiss in the other bed room, and then the kiss at the car, but none of the conversation that I was told had happend at the car, actually happend.
So not only did I leave my heart at the play ground in the rain to get stepped on by the one that owned it and broke it, and had nothing left but a gaping hole where my heart used to be, but at that moment, I litterally just fell to peices, watched my self in a reflection crumble away and onto the floor.
And what was left of me on the floor called him to get a confession.
Of course nothing is ever easy and I got nothing but lies,
And then when I confessed what I had herd, it came out.
I was cheated on, lied to, broken hearted, lost everything I had, all with in a few hours.
I was later told " I'm so sorry " when all I could think to say was " is that supposed to make it ok? Make all the pain go away, and fix everything, so we can go back to normal? "
And then I was later told " I want to fix this "
...fix what? My broken heart, or your fuck up?
But because I put others before me, and I never want any one to feel even close to how much pain I am in, lets fix your fuck up, shall we?! And then maybe later, if we have time, we will attempt to fix my broken heart, but it's not on the top of our list of things-to-do, so only if we have spare time.
First to fix your fuck up, lets start with a toast, heres to you, may you never hurt as much as I do, may you live happy, and never dwell on the past, walk forward with your life, but live it day by day, and always be honest.
Hell, I'll drink to that.
153 will make an attempt to fill my gap where my heart once peacefully layed.
And for a few moments, as it burned going down my throat, it did, cause it took away the pain from my empty hole, and moved it to the burning in my throat and throbing in my stomach.
And contiuned like that for 8 shots.
Then my world went black.
I felt as if I was flying in space.
Everything tingled, but nothing hurt.
I was completely numb.
I was out cold.
I came conciouse about an hour later, sat and enjoyed the numb feeling.
And then it left me.
And my pain from my hole turned into anger.
A huge hole of anger,
I couldn't take it.
I'm not an angry person,
I'm a nice person.
And then a little voice said
"hell, I'll drink to that"
So down it went, and within no time I was completly numb again.
But this time, I cryed, and couldn't stop.
And eventually saddness took over my numb feeling.
I couldn't stop crying.
And some how he showed up.
It was a dream I swear I had, that we were laying in my bed, holding eachother tight, talking none sense and sharing storys, and constanly smiling, from ear to ear.
Then I woke up and realized he wasn't laying next to me holding me tight, and smiling ear to ear, but he was laying next to me holding me and crying.
but wait.. theres not crying in baseball?!
We don't cry.
Only shed tears.
Only shed lots of tears.
ok, we cry.
We layed next to eachother, he held me and we both cryed, I cryed because I still love the old him, but laying next to me and holding me was some one who I once loved, and loved me back, but changed with a few cups of happiness, and a tablet of happiness of some sort and he turned to a generic substitute for holding.
As he layed next to me, I wondered as I cryed, and cryed because I wondered. I let my mind take over me, because my heart wasn't there to shut it up. So my mind wondered and I went back to thinking if he held her the way he held me, and kissed her, and held her cheecks and looked into her eyes all the same way that he did to me, the way that made me fall in love with him everytime over and over again when he did these things to me.
And he cryed because he was scared to lose me, and to be alone.
Mostly to be alone.
The fear of waking up in the morning and being scared to go out into public and see other couples happy.. kind of alone.
He cryed because he was scared, and he saw what he had done to me.
He saw me laying on the tile floor, out cold and completely numb.
He saw me laying in the bed shaking, crying and mumbling.
And he realized he was the reason I acted these ways,
And he cryed for these reasons.
But most of all he cryed for the fear of being alone.
I am now left with memories and empyt spots,
My hand is lonely where your hand used to grasp mine.
My side feels cold, where you used to stand by me, or lay and keep me warm.
My kneck is empty, where I used to hold the key to secrets that I had taken and know one else knew.
But most of all,
My chest is empty and has a gaping hole in it where my heart used to peacefully lay.
This pain hasn't stopped, and I fear that it will never stop.
It may die down, but it will always be here.
My heart is perminantly absent, and if I'm lucky, maybe half will find the strenght to return, but only time can tell for that.
And time we have, and I'm willing to give, because I love you more then anything, my mind is made up about that, nothing in the world can change that, and I know some where, and some how I will find the one that I from start fell in love with.
The one that made me fall in love from the beggining, from stares across the room, to first kisses in the car, to sitting on oppisite sides of the table and feeling shy for the very first time in my life, to laying in your bed, and knowing that nothing in the world could happen and ruin my happiness at that moment and knowing what one another is thinking just by holding eachother close and looking into eachothers eyes, to the disturbing and fearful moments when we fist exchanged "I love you's", to opening my window and seeing you stand out in the rain waitng patiently and anxiously to see me, to the night when you gave me something no other girl could ever take, or I could give back, to surprising you and running after you on your break on my first night of being out and allowed to be out, to showing me off at a night that you had planned for, for as long as you could remeber, to sharing a special dinner and ceramony with your family because I knew it ment everything to you, to holding eachother close and doing the unthinkable in a family lake, to sharing a few flashes in a curtain inclosed box, that you had wanted since day one, to watching my heart fall to the floor and shatter into a million peices and hearing 6 words echo in my head for forever.
Here's to loving you for forever, no matter what.