[28 Oct 2005|10:36am] So I ran away from home. It's now day 3. Things are starting to settle down, I guess. The first day it was just a huge blob & I freaked my self out the whole day. But now it's nice. I don't feel like I'm in anyones way any more. I don't feel like I'm just a bump on a log. I wasn't going any where fast at home. & I'm probably still not going to be going any where fast, but atleast I'm not in any ones way now. I'm not there to ruin any ones life, & put it on hold. fuck up

[28 Sep 2005|08:30pm] [ mood | lonely ] I want to go back home. I hate it here. Why does everything always have to be so fucking hard? I just want to spend one freaking night with the people I care about. It's pathetic, I can't even spend time with them with my mom knowing. Fuck moving. Fuck family. Fuck everything. One day I swear I'm going to run away, leave nothing, take only what I can carry & no trace of wear I am & see how she feels about that. Do you think the saying "You never know what you have till you lose it" works on my mom? fuck up

[28 Sep 2005|08:19pm] love in a symptom of happiness id burn just to keep u alive id hold my breath for u to breathe take my hands and keep me alive tell me ur secrets and tell me your fears ill prtect u from the bad and shelter u with good the endless happiness is a side effect of this happy lifestyle id drive to the end of the world for you just to see ur smile id help u live if u help me smile i want the earth moon and stars for u wrapped in a bow if i could i hold the stars and give them to u one at a time id hold the moon and pull it closer so u could touch the powdery surface keep u warm keep u close keep me warm keep me close id scream at the ttop of my lungs for u to hear for u to know that my love for u is relentless and never ending and pure i love you like i love oxygen u r my oxygen let me breathe in the beauty which is your majesty the beauty which is your smille the beauty which is you beautiful voice let me breathe in the majesty which is you -Grant =] fuck up

[24 Aug 2005|06:35pm] my everything. with out u i am nothing "in my eyes u are the same the beautiful girl that i stutteredd to the gil that i was to afraid to talk to the same girl that i gave my purple necklace out of elemantry crush i loved from the first second u were different ur eyes were sincere and i loved u i held back i hid u were my first and ill always love for that ill always love u the tides will never turn and the skies will never change smooth sailing and blue skies i love ur eyes there calm and caring like u none of this defines u if i could find the words i woulds but i cant al i can say is im lucky lucky u love me lucky u came in tinme lucky that ur in my life before all the love songs meant nothing to me they were just words and music just a rhym scheme and rythm but now i feel them and i know exactly what they mean and im forever urs for making me feel this way u have no idea how happy it makes me to hear ur voice to know how u fell to know u love me as much as iu love u im forever yours " -Another lovely one from Mr. Grant Wells. fuck up

Every so often [17 Aug 2005|03:27pm] Miles of distance in between us. Continouse hang up phone calls. Pointless arguement. Greatings and endless minutes of awkward silence. Somtimes I wonder if either of us is deaf. Other's I think that I want nothing to do with you. & then, every so often, I could never care about you more. It's sad that the "every so oftens" is what hold's us together. We used to be nothing but the "every so oftens" I wonder constantly, "What if I stopped it all?" Can I make it with out the "every so oftens" Can I go on living with out me giving & you taking? I wake up every day hopping to get how it used to be, back. Before the distance, before the hang ups, the pointless arguments, everything. I wish it would go back to before none of that mattered. Not even words used to matter. We used to be able to read eachother by just looking into one anothers eyes. But you've changed. I don't know what you are thiking anymore. You're not my hero. My best friend. My everything. But every so often, you are. Every so often you're my hero. Because "You can't kill hero's" Every so often you're my best friend. Because "Best friends means friends forever." I'll be the giver and you be the taker, because that's what makes you my everything. The fact that you are/have everything that means everything to me. It's just every so often, I wish it wasn't like this. & every so often, I think this isn't how our happy ending is supposed to end. Every so often... I wish I had more to show for us, other then miles of distance. fuck up

A sink hole swallowed me. [15 Aug 2005|07:01pm] [ mood | discontent ] What has love become? Miles apart and nothing to show for it? Other then the distance in our eyes?! There's no sparkle, There's no promise of saftey. I don't see what you are thinking any more through your eyes. For I haven't seen your eyes in what seems like ages. I just rememeber seeing distance, the last time we made eye contact. I just rememeber seeing miles of road's, street lights & stop signs. It's like I don't even know you any more. Just the roads that lead me to you. I know those roads by heart. I used to know you as well. Distance makes the heart grow fonder? But what happens when, what we thought were just cracks in the oh so familar roads turn to be sink holes, opening up?! That's all we seem to have to show for our love. Sink holes. & over time the empty rodes that no one dares to travel anymore will just grow cob webs. Cob webs & sink holes. ..Sounds like pure love to me. fuck up

Another day, another lie, another broken heart. [19 Jul 2005|07:21pm] Rumors had constanlt haunted me, They always seemed to find the perfect days. The days where I had never loved you more. & because of those days, I shrugged them off just as rumors. Are days had been falling apart, but always seemed to find there way back together. & because of that, I continued to shrug the rumors off. I need to learn to not be so nosie. I need to learn to not want to get my fair share of jealousy of the day, it does nothing but ruin my days. But this specific day it did more then ruin my day, but ruined my life that I had built up around me. For the second time in two months, I watched that happen. & it always seems to be the days when I get to see you on accident, the days when I look at you & can't think of any thing I would rather be looking at or be with. It's at those days when I'm at my weakest. You are my weakness. But a conversation that could not be ignored crushed me. Not only made you my weakness, but weakened me & destroyed me. Yet again nothing can ever be easy & I got nothing but lies, When my facts were flawless, so I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do, other then try to get a confestion from you. For a while I thought it was the worst thing I had ever did I did nothing but blame myself. "What did I do wrong?" "Some where I went wrong, was it soemthign I said, how I looked, somethign I did?" It was my fault & I knew it. Denial could kill. Atleast feel like it, as if a knife was stabbing over & over again. A confession that hurts more. The truth is out. Denial CAN kill, But the truth.. It just crushes you. Crushes every bone in your body. Bones are broken that will never heal. "Give it time, you'll be ok." No, give it time & I will be able to make it through days with a fake smile, & a fake laugh just to fool everyone else. But I will still be broken. I will always be broken. I will never trust any one ever again. Not even myself. Move on?! Yeah right. How could I do that, if everyone & everything reminds me of you?! Good & bad. How could I do that, when I'm still in love with you?! How could I do that, when I don't even want to go out in public?! ...move on I just sat in my closet for the rest of the night squizing my self tight & crying. Crying because I have nothing left. Crying because I'm in pain. Crying because I couldn't understand how you could look me straight in the eye & tell me you love me while you hide things from me. & Crying because I can't understand how I can love someone more then anything, but hurt from them more. I sat in my closet & just stared across the room at our picture Then broke everything. Smashed the flower vase, the picture frame, everything on my dresser. I wanted everything to be broken & look how I felt. Then I just sat in the middle of it & continued to stare across the room, but now at a black dresser & wall. Was it fun taking a broken girl & breaking her more? I hope that amused you for the time being. Never offer your heart to someone who eat's hearts. fuck up

It's better when I bleed for you. [16 Jul 2005|11:56am] It's all my fault. I let these little things trigger my gun. & all it did, was get me stuck 6 feet under. I want to get out of here. It's dark. & I'm scared. I can't breath, I'm gasping for air as tears fall down my face. I tryed so hard to be strong, I did. But the trigger tempted me & I couldn't hold out any longer. I need help, some one, anyone, get me out of here. I'm so scared. I'm alone, & it hurts. I read the carvings on the inside of this cascet over & over again. It hurts to read them. Just knowing that I caused this agany & confusin. What have I done?! I hurt the one I love more then anything, & now all I can do, is lay here scared & alone, reading the words you wrote on the inside of my cascet, Beating myself up over what I do. How could I be so self centered?! WHAT DID I DO?! I have to get out of here. I need to breath again. You are the oxygen I need. But I don't even know how I would fix what I've done to you. I let the pressure build up, & I let myself give up. I gave up, it got to hard & the trigger tempted me. How do I fix that?! I can't stand to read these carvings anymore. I have to breath again. ..But it's so dark & I'm scared to move. fuck up

What have I done? Look what I caused. [16 Jul 2005|11:27am] errrrg i dont know whats going on you wont talk to me so i vent to a computer screen i say everything and anything i want this seems to be the only way to talk to you this is the only way i can communicate with you and its sad i would tell you anything and i just want to know whats wrong thats all i want and u cant spare 10 minutes to talk to me it really pisses me off im so lost right now it seems like forever since ive heard your voice this seems too familiar face down in a pillow this seems too scary eyes shut wishing i wasent alone this seems too dark my blankets over my head this seems so ridiculous crying myself to sleep 2 nights in a row why cant it be like it use to be? im affraid it never will be you seem so quick to give up and it scares me ive been confused for so long now i need a manual on what to do how to handle you how to handle your family how to handle life LIFE thats probably one of the biggest words i can say next to love and i have alot of words goin through my head to make the first i need you in my life but you right now i cant handle but is it you or everyone around you? is it you or me? maybe its me maybe im just the pathetic overecsantic pussy that evryone thinksi am im just over anylizing everything i just think aND think diging deeper i into my caverous chest scalping and tosseing out ribs and organs searching for something digging pass tubing of veins and cartilage that cushions my bones hunched over seeking for what it is i truly want/need i dont know what i want i dont know what i need i dont know what im thinking i WANT you i NEED you but what do you WANT? what do you NEED? TELL ME CAUSE I DONT KNOW -Another one from Grant. I fucked up this time. fuck up

Ring around the rosie, then you're gone. [15 Jul 2005|09:41am] [ mood | drained ] mirror reflection of broken butterflies i went where i wasent suppose to and i stayed till i was told to leave i went for a reason and stayed for the same thing i left for the love and drove forever i feel empty im a shallow reflection of everything i cant be jump for joy but not for me ecstatic praises for another it should have been different shouldnt it have? then again what do i know? NOTHING twist ties hold my hands firmly behind my back and im forced to stay soap is placed in my mouth and cant say a word i am a face no more just a voice as are you a voice and an emotion is all we have its all ive ever had i write my feelings in this god damn journal because u dont want to listen want/cant i dont you choose i never wanted you to find out through this again but yougave me NO CHOICE ive never been too "tired" to not care how you feel fuck i dont know anymore SWEET! I FUCKING SUCK AT LIFE! =D Can I die now? fuck up

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